Just last week, I applied to graduate in December. I know it was 3 weeks late, but I was so overwhelmed with the thought of commencement that I completely forgot to turn in the application. It’s kind of my running theme this last term of college: scared to the point of paralysis.

Don’t get me wrong; I am excited to start my life in the “real world” as a “real person” with a degree. I know that I will work long hours and sleep a lot less than I do now in college, these are givens post–graduation. But that’s not why I’m scared.

I’m scared to leave college and all the experiences with it behind. Over the past 4 years, I’ve gained life–long friends and family. I’ve had wild and unforgettable nights out. I’ve been robbed and lost everything. Then realized those things didn’t matter. I’ve learned valuable lessons from instructors completely outside the classroom. I’ve gone through devastating breakups and found someone who means the world to me. I’ve helped my friends make it through their own breakups. I’ve had all these memories that seem so distant, even now writing about some of them. But once we leave college, that is all they will become. Treasured, of course, but distant memories nonetheless.

I can’t help but remember my friends from high school and how I only keep in touch with a few of them. I am worried the same will happen with the friends I’ve made here. Working in such a small city as Portland, I’m sure we will be seeing each other again, but it will be harder once the rest of my graduating class move and find jobs in different cities. But that’s all part of becoming a grown up, right? Along with doing your own taxes, figuring out your own insurance and remembering to pay your own bills (on time). I’m not scared of the things I will have to do in the future as a graduate. It’s really more about what I won’t be able to do anymore once college is over. No more Skinnidip runs between classes because it’s hot outside. No more plans to car bar in the Fred Meyer parking lot. No more going out for fishbowls on a Tuesday night because a midterm kicked your ass. No more sushi dates with a friend who has the day off, too. No more staying up all night and sleeping in ’til noon. While I can live without cramming for exams last minute and pulling all nighters to finish a major project, the memories I’ve made in coffee shops and bars and in my car will ring in my head.

Although the thought of finally being done with school is scary, everyone has to do it. Knowing my friends are going through the same motions this term makes it easier to deal. Even though a lot of us will go our separate ways and try to make something of ourselves, I won’t let life get in the way. Finding a balance between life and work and school will be my major stressor this term, but the importance of balance is something I’ve learned over the past 4 years, too.